


Failure

by herbailiwick



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Gen, Grief/Mourning, POV First Person, Sibling Rivalry, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-26
Updated: 2012-10-26
Packaged: 2017-11-17 02:45:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/546782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/herbailiwick/pseuds/herbailiwick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John's always hated failure. John POV.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Failure

I've never liked failure. It weighs you down, quite literally just weighs you down. It sits in your chest like heartburn you can't get rid of. And then...then it spreads to your limbs. You do less about it. You become less active, more...helpless. You stop trying as hard.

Because it's one thing to fail when your da is yelling at you to try it again, to do better at maths when it feels like you're so far gone you can hardly remember arithmetic. Or when Ma is crying over the dishes and nothing you say helps, it just makes it worse.

It's one thing to fail when your sister's usually only concerned with shallow little things and missing the bigger picture and not ready to be real about anything so you stop being real about things too, and you try to hide the booze from her but she's too good. It's one thing.

But those are things I had a chance to fix. I could study more, try harder for Da. Trial and error, handkerchiefs, offers to do the dishes myself for Ma. Screaming rows with Harriet cause what the hell else could I do at that age, but at least they made me feel like I was doing something.

But Sherlock's just gone. There's nothing I can do about it. I've failed him, and that's never going to change.

I can't do as much anymore. I'm weighed down. He wouldn't like to see me this way, would think it was sentimental or illogical or whatever the hell else is wrong with me in his eyes, but he'll never see me like this.

He'll never see anything I do again. He can't react to me picking myself back up any more than he can react to me joining him.

I won't, by the way. I'm not gonna give in like that.

I think, right now, that my arm would be too heavy to lift the gun.

And I'd probably balls it up anyway.


End file.
